Is It Me or Is It Them?

Leadership can present a lot of moments of disappointment.  Things don’t always go as we plan.  Initiatives fail.  Team members make poor decisions.  We say or do the wrong thing.

In these moments of frustration, I often find myself asking a couple of questions:

Is it me?

Is it them?

I think both questions are essential.

Problems or dysfunction in our teams always have to start with a look in the mirror.  As Henry Cloud says in Boundaries for Leaders, “as a leader, you always get what you create and what you allow”.

We always have some responsibility for the issues we’re dealing with.

But we also need to ask “is it them?”

Sometimes people are just people.  They are dealing with distractions.  They’re wrestling their own inconsistencies and issues.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how well you lead them.  As the old saying goes, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

But here’s the problem for us as leaders:  Most of us don’t ask both questions.  We’re more likely wired to ask one or the other.

We either shame ourselves by constantly feeling responsible for everything or we always blame others.

Next time you’re dealing with a less than spectacular moment with your team, resist shame or blame.

Instead…

1) Look in the mirror and ask “Is it me?”  Is there anything that I’ve created or allowed that is contributing to this problem?  If so, go to work on remedying the issue but don’t wallow in guilt or shame.  Just make it right.

2) Consider what part of the issue is them.  Is there a person on your team who is wrestling through their own issues and that is overflowing to the team?  If so, look for ways to coach and lead them through what they’re dealing with.  It’s another opportunity for you to lead them well.

When things aren’t going the way you hoped are you more prone to shame or blame?

Boundaries for Leaders

BoundariesForLeaders

I just finished Dr. Henry Cloud’s newest book Boundaries for Leaders.  I really believe this is a must have for your leadership library.

I’m a firm believer that you must lead yourself well to lead others better and this is one of those books that will help you lead yourself well.

The key point from the book that I’ve been thinking about over and over is, “as a leader, you always get what you create and what you allow.”  Leadership is tough and there are days that we unintentionally allow or create unhealthy behaviors in our teams.  We must be aware of what we’re creating and what we’re allowing.  Dr. Cloud explains that we’re “ridiculously in charge” and we must own what we’re creating.

Here are a few other key things that I highlighted from the book:

“the leader sets the boundaries that will determine whether the vision and the people thrive or fail.”

“when leaders begin to behave differently, most of the issues that hamper results and harm company culture are truly fixable.”

“Ultimately, leaders own it.  They are the ones who define and create the boundaries that drive the behavior that forms the identity of teams and culture and sets the standards of performance.”

“Sometimes the smartest and most talented leaders are very, very close to significant success, if they can get their ‘people issues’ sorted out.”

“Good boundaries, both those that help us manage ourselves and lead others, always produce freedom, not control.”

“too many leaders forget that they also need to manage themselves, since no one else is doing it; they fail to put into place key boundaries of self-leadership that the sheer volume of work and responsibilities can obscure.”

Where does your leadership need more boundaries? 

Don’t Underestimate Your Influence

Every moment matters.

I know you know that and yet, you don’t.

Or maybe you just forget.

I know that I forget.

Some moments don’t seem consequential.  Sometimes it’s the most mundane moments that conjure up the best memories.

I’m visiting family for a few days this week.  I only come back to my hometown about once a year.  Usually I stay so busy that I don’t allow myself to engage memories of the past.  I’ve never been terribly nostalgic.  I rarely long for what’s past.  I’m always focused on pressing forward.

There is good and bad to that mentality I suppose.

But this trip I’ve been reminded of significant moments.  Little points of influence that greatly impacted trajectory.

  • The day I walked into the local ice cream shop to inquire about a job.  A job that turned a boss into a mentor and a paycheck into a passion.  Some of my first leadership and management moments happened in that place.
  • The day I graduated high school and told my baby sister that she had to start using her alarm clock because I wouldn’t be there to wake her up every morning.  Little did I know that she spent the entire summer with the alarm clock by her pillow so that she would learn to hear it by the time school started.  We both grew up that day.

There are numerous others, but you get the point.

You never know when a moment is going to matter for more than the present.  Be alert.  Be engaged.  Look for moments that turn into memories.

You just never know when your influence is impacting someone or when someone’s influence is greatly impacting you.

 

Found

Loss is a debilitating feeling. Something as simple as losing your keys creates anxiety and unsettledness until they are found. The loss of a job triggers fears, insecurities, and doubts. The loss of someone dear creates a sense of desperation, a longing that is never fulfilled.

We’ve been in a series at Cross Point called Cover to Cover where we are looking at the entire story of the Bible and unpacking the themes that God has woven throughout it.  We’ve also had a daily scripture reading plan and daily devotional where we can share our thoughts and learnings with one another.

Today we read John 20:1-18

In this passage, Mary and the disciples are reeling from their loss. Not only did they lose Jesus to death but they soon discover his body is now missing too. One more loss to compound their sadness.

But look closely at how they respond…

Simon Peter and the other disciple looked into the tomb, saw the strips of linen and Jesus’ burial cloth and accepted it as evidence that Jesus’ body was gone. Scripture tells us they went home.

But Mary, seeing the same evidence, stayed awhile longer. She stood outside the tomb crying. It seems that she couldn’t quite bring herself to leave. She grieved.

And then the story turned.

Mary didn’t recognize Jesus immediately. I wonder if He looked different. He wasn’t the crucified version that she lost. Mary was looking for a beaten and battered body. Jesus showed up differently than she expected and she didn’t recognize him at first.

When you experience loss do you leave or do you grieve? Do you look for Jesus or assume He’s gone?

Too many times in my life I’ve allowed loss to lead me to believe God has abandoned me. When a circumstance didn’t turn out the way I hoped or I lost someone or something valuable I assumed God was gone too. But time and time again I discover that He is there. He might look different or behave differently than I thought He would, but He is there.

So often in our lives we fixate on what we’ve lost rather than seeing what we’ve found.

God is there. He’s in your circumstance. He might look a little different than you expected. He might show up in a different way than you hoped, but He is there.

Is there a situation in your life where you feel God has abandoned you? Look closely. Made he is there just waiting for you to rediscover him.

It’s Time: A New Movement for Our Generation

Those of you who know me well know that I dodge most women’s events.  When a circle of women starts talking about women’s ministry, I find a way to disappear.

I feel out of place.

I don’t relate.

But something different is stirring and my heart is connecting in a way that it never has before.

ifgathering

Lindsey Nobles has been sharing nuggets with me for months now.  I think she purposefully delivered the idea in small doses because she knew I needed to process, absorb and ingest it slowly to allow my preconceived ideas to dissipate.

They did.

And then a fortuitous and long overdue introduction to the brave and remarkable Jennie Allen sealed the deal. It really wasn’t the words that Jennie shared as much as the passion that burned in her eyes that convinced me this is unique.

It’s different. It’s necessary. It’s time!

On behalf of all the women who fear all the women’s events, I beg you to join us for IF.

The IF movement will have three distinct parts:

IF: Gathering

This 2-day conference will bring women together and wrestle out how to live out the calling God has placed on our lives. Throw everything you know about “women’s conferences” out the door. This is by us, for us, like us: experiential, story-driven, tribe-building, plumbing the depths. We can hardly wait. // Austin, TX Feb. 7–8 2014

IF: Equip

We are creating a blueprint for intentional equipping – reaching women with tools that are holistic, strategic and deep. By providing easy online access to a like-minded community and relevant resources created by our tribe for our tribe, we will release women around the world to live out their purposes and advance the kingdom. We have an audacious vision to disciple the next generation.

IF: Unleash

We are a generation passionate about disparity and justice; we won’t sit idly by enjoying our advantages while the world suffers. By partnering with organizations like Food for the Hungry, coming specifically alongside women around the world, fostering relationships and utilizing our God-given gifts, we believe this movement not only transforms hearts but leaves a tangible impact on the entire world.

Are you ready to join us?

If so go put your email in here and prepare to join us February 7-8, 2014 in Austin, Texas. 

http://ifgathering.com

 

The IF movement will have three distinct parts:

IF: Gathering

This 2-day conference will bring women together and wrestle out how to live out the calling God has placed on our lives. Throw everything you know about “women’s conferences” out the door. This is by us, for us, like us: experiential, story-driven, tribe-building, plumbing the depths. We can hardly wait. // Austin, TX Feb. 7–8 2014

IF: Equip

We are creating a blueprint for intentional equipping – reaching women with tools that are holistic, strategic and deep. By providing easy online access to a like-minded community and relevant resources created by our tribe for our tribe, we will release women around the world to live out their purposes and advance the kingdom. We have an audacious vision to disciple the next generation.

IF: Unleash

We are a generation passionate about disparity and justice; we won’t sit idly by enjoying our advantages while the world suffers. By partnering with organizations like Food for the Hungry, coming specifically alongside women around the world, fostering relationships and utilizing our God-given gifts, we believe this movement not only transforms hearts but leaves a tangible impact on the entire world.

This is too big for us- will you please join us:

If so go put your email in here and prepare to join us February 7-8, 2014 in Austin, Texas. 

 

- See more at: http://jennieallen.com/blog/its-time-a-new-movement-for-our-generation/#.UcH-64CCOrk.twitter

Get Out of the Way

At a recent meeting with my team, I asked them a tough question:

“Where do I need to get out of the way?”

They were probably as surprised to hear it as I was surprised to say it.  And before you think my motivations were wonderful and selfless, let me assure you that was far from the case.  What led to my question was exasperation I felt over behaviors and outcomes in the organization that I wasn’t happy with.  I couldn’t diagnose where our issues were and so I started with me.

That question sparked a dynamic conversation among our team and caused me to realize it was time for me to lead differently.  And the most important thing that I could do for my team in this season was get out of the way.

We determined which meetings and conversations it wasn’t essential for me to be a part of and we defined some necessary shifts in how and where I lead.

Bottom line was that I needed to remove myself more to give my team more space to lead.

There is nothing natural or easy about this for me.  I’m highly directive by nature.  I thrive in being present and assertive, but in doing that I’m hindering the development of the great leaders I’ve hired.

Sometimes the only way that you allow others to grow and to lead is by getting out of their way.  As long as you’re there you could be holding them back.

Is there an area of your organization that you need to get out of the way and let your leaders lead?

The Seasons of Leadership

Just a short distance from my house is new neighborhood. House after ginormous house with immaculate landscaping and well-manicured lawns compels you to envy the luxury of these beautiful homes. They are stunning!

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As wonderful as this neighborhood is, I don’t really enjoy it. At first I thought it was a twinge of jealousy.  Maybe my heart was resisting engaging with something I couldn’t have.  Perhaps a smidge of that is true, but what I discovered was that amidst all the abundance, this neighborhood still feels barren.

In typical fashion, a developer came through and leveled the land of all trees to build street after street, home after home in their place.  What’s left is row upon row of newly constructed perfection sprinkled with budding new growth.  All this newness lacks the shade and protection of the maturity of established trees.  The lack of shade creates a feeling of exposure, an intensity that doesn’t have relief, a striving that doesn’t cease.

Beautifully maintained, perfectly appointed and yet harsh and unrelenting.  There is no relief except to be walled up in one of its grand fortresses.

Contrast that neighborhood with the one across the street – an older subdivision of homes built in the late 80′s. More generous with lot sizes and lush with trees, there is something more peaceful about a morning run or Sunday stroll over here. The houses aren’t quite as pristine, however.  Some are a little more worn, some are getting a face lift, others are embracing the character of a bit of age.

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I think these two pictures portray our seasons of leadership.  Many of us are like the first neighborhood.  We’re in a season of tremendous growth, everything looks beautiful and polished from the outside but when you really live in that neighborhood – when you’re living in the intensity of your season of leadership, all you feel is the unrelenting sun and the lack of adequate shade in which to find relief.  The pace you’re moving at allows you very little time to enjoy being in the walled fortress.  After all, it’s a lot of work to keep up with that fancy landscaping.  It requires a great deal of effort to keep up appearances.  Your leadership is young, thriving but exhausting.

In the second scenario, you’re in a more mature season of leadership.  You’ve done your years of toiling in the scorching sun. You’ve learned to let go of the need for constant perfection.  You’re benefiting from the shade. You’ve found a pace that is sustainable for the long haul.

Here’s the deal…

I’m not suggesting that one of these scenarios – these seasons of leadership – are necessarily right or wrong.  In fact, I’m inclined to believe both are necessary.  I think you have to live and work in the barrenness of the first to appreciate the shade of the second.  For those of you in our 20′s & 30′s, you’re likely in the barren season.  It’s tough.  It’s toiling. You are experiencing some success.  You’re building great things but there’s very little relief.  It’s hard work.

For those of you in your 40′s & 50′s I suspect you’re beginning to enjoy the shade.  You’ve learned what’s more valuable so you can find peace and enjoyment even in the imperfect.

What season of leadership are you in?  What are you learning?

Our Exasperated Longing for More

I love these AT&T commercials and I think this one is my favorite.

“We want more”

I can resonate with the exasperated expression of this little girl.  We want more and sometimes we have trouble putting words to that longing.

We just want more.

We want…

more stuff

more power

more influence

more respect

more time

more attention

more affirmation

more accolades

We want a more that never seems to be satisfied.

The irony is that I believe God wants to give us more.  It’s just more redefined.

We want more because we actually need more.  We need more love, more generosity, more hope, more faith, more joy, more peace, more patience, more kindness, more goodness, more gentleness…

We need more of Jesus.

It’s what our exasperated hearts are longing for.  We just look for him in the counterfeits.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us”  Ephesians 3:20

God wants to more in us and through us than we can imagine!

Think about that.  It’s huge!

Are you willing to embrace his more for you?  It might look different than the more you’ve conceived.  But his more is better than anything we can dream.

Dealing with Adversaries

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Do you ever feel like you’re a magnet for naysayers? It doesn’t matter how well a Sunday service goes or how effective your latest ministry event was, there always seems to be at least one critic who has questions or complaints. In fact, you probably can instantly create a mental list of the people who never seem to be happy with what your church or ministry is doing.

Our ministry philosophy at Cross Point is very simple and straightforward. Outside of Sunday mornings, we do three main things – kids and students, community groups, and missions. We believe this simplified strategy helps us most effectively reach those we’re called to reach and keeps our time, energy, and resources laser focused. But there are a lot of good things that come up from time to time to tempt us to stray from this vision. And there are a lot of well intentioned people who pushback on this ministry philosophy with their passions and wishes.

Continue reading this article at Sunday|Magazine

Caught In the Rain

rain-on-window

On our recent vacation, my husband and I rented a scooter as our mode of transportation.  We’re always up for a good adventure so our little two-wheeler was loads of fun until one evening as we were finishing dinner we looked up to see driving rain pelting the windows of the restaurant.  We were miles from our hotel and only a puny little scooter to get us there.

Why did the rain come when it did?  Couldn’t it have waited just 30 minutes more for us to be safe and sound?

We were frustrated, inconvenienced and irritated.

But there was nothing we could do.  The rain was here and it was falling hard.

The rain falls in our life and leadership too.  It’s often unexpected.  Sometimes it moves in quickly.  Other times we see it rolling in but we’re powerless to stop it.  Sometimes we’re not paying attention to the rain clouds looming and we’re startled when they catch us off guard.

Maybe it’s the initiative that failed.  Maybe it’s an unexpected illness.  Maybe it’s a financial crisis.  Maybe it’s a tough relational issue.  Maybe it’s a problem that you just can’t solve.

The rain comes from time to time and although my immediate reaction is always frustration and discomfort, I’m learning what to value from it.

1) The rain forces us to slow down.  Although we were finished with our dinner and ready to hop back on the scooter, we had to slow down and rethink our options.  The rain broke the stride of our hurried pace (even on vacation!).

2) The rain challenged us to find new solutions.  When it was obvious the rain wasn’t going to completely let up, we remembered the emergency ponchos under the seat.  We had to alter our plans but we found a new way to get back on the road.

3) The rain created community.  Not only did we slow down and talk to each other, but the monsoon sparked conversation with other people who were huddled under the restaurant awning trying to find shelter.  Where everyone would normally keep to themselves, they found support and camaraderie with strangers.

Have you been caught in the rain lately?  What could you learn from slowing down?  Could it help you identify a new solution?  Is there some community that you need to embrace to endure it together? 

My natural reaction is to run from the rain – to seek shelter immediately.  But sometimes I think we need to be willing to get caught in the rain.

Embrace the challenge and see what it might be trying to teach you.

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